The Five Fears We All Share
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself”
“There is nothing to fear, but fear itself” the apt quote by Franklin Roosevelt could not be more relevant today. With anxiety disorders on the rise, the fear-of-fear of which he speaks wreaks fresh havoc in our daily lives. A simple and useful definition of fear is: “an anxious feeling, caused by our anticipation of some imagined event or experience”
And there are only five basic fears, out of which all of or other so-called fears are manufactured. These are:
Extinction: this is an existential fear of ceasing to exist. Also known as fear of annihilation. On some levels, it is the basic fear of death. It shows up if we get too close to a very tall cliff’s edge. Or we have a strong fear of heights. Sometimes it shows up in intrusive thoughts.
Mutilation: the fear of losing any. part of our precious bodily structure, or being invaded physically. For example, fear of bugs, snakes or creepy crawlies. Physical boundaries being crossed.
Loss of Autonomy: fear of being immobilised, paralysed, trapped, imprisoned, claustrophobia, or otherwise controlled by circumstances beyond your control. It can also show up relationally -fear of intimacy, commitment or avoidant attachment.
Separation: fear of abandonment, rejection, loss of connection, becoming a non-person, not important, being devalued, canceled. Anxious attachment.
Ego-death: the fear of humiliation, shame, or any other mechanism of profound personal or public disapproval, deconstruction of one’s own lovability, capability, worthiness.
Medical experts tell us that the anxious feeling that we get when we’re afraid is nothing more than a standardized biological reaction. Meaning, it is pretty much the same set of body signal that occur whether we are afraid of getting bitten by a dog, standing up to speak in front of a big crowd, or fearing rejection from a lover. Fear, like all other emotions, offers us information. It offers us basic knowledge and understanding - if we choose to accept it.
Thinking in these terms, let’s put some common fears into categories: fear of failure = ego-death. Fear of rejection = separation (and maybe also ego-death). Fear of intimacy = loss of autonomy, Fear of public speaking = ego-death.
Some common emotions we experience can also be broken down to their primal fears, such as jealousy. Jealousy is basically fear of separation “what if he values her more than me?”. Envy can be broken down to ego-death “what that person has is better than what I have, I must not be worthy”. Embarrassment is fear of separation “what if they find out what I’ve done?’ Humiliation is more aligned with ego-death. Fear is often the base emotion on which anger floats. Oppressed people rage against their oppressors because they are afraid collectively of a loss of autonomy, or even ego death. Those who make us fearful will also make us angry.
Some of our fears have basic survival value, of course. We need them! These five basic fears serve a purpose, and can help keep us alive. If we had no ego, we would all walk in front of traffic without a care in the world. If we didn’t fear separation, we could not maintain community and relationships. If we didn’t fear a loss of autonomy, we would be subject to total manipulation. However, a lot of the time, these fears guide us in limiting ways. Or, they take over our minds, we see threats all around us, and suffer with anxiety.
We might find that we avoid or evade not the actual fear, but the fear-of-the-fear. The ‘mirco-fear’ instead. Most avoidance is a reaction of this. For example, turning down a party invitation, or avoiding a doctors appointment. Not having the courage to ask for a raise at work. Avoiding potential romantic relationships. These are often instant reactions to the imagined fear ahead. The reflex reactions to the micro-fears happen quickly, and we don’t actually experience the full effect of the fear (avoidance works!).
Over time and without awareness, however, we may find that we are avoiding important things in our lives, and are unconsciously reinforcing and legitmiszing these fears by not facing them. This can cause the fear to grow bigger over time, and become seemingly insurmountable. I like the acronym of FEAR, (which is easy to remember, ha!) and reminds us that often, fear is irrational. In fact it is usually just False - Evidence - Appearing- Real.
Most of us know, if we’re really honest with ourselves, which certain things we tend to avoid. The acronym can help us to dismantle some of the ‘story’ we might be telling ourselves, about that thing. What category does this particular fear fall into? Does it make sense that you are avoiding this? Why or why not? Is this situation life-or-death? Or is it imagined? What evidence am I using to legitimize it? What evidence am I conveniently throwing away?
When we let go of the notion that fears are ‘evil forces welling up within us’ (A Freudian motif!) we can start to think more consciously about them. The more calmly and rationally we can label the fear and its origin, the sooner we can start to face them from a new place of empowerment: Here’s how:
First, to understand that they are collective, and common among all humans. We were born with these fears. They are innate. “Which primal fear am I experiencing?” (Normalize)
Secondly, to understand that they have deep survival messages, that might not be relevant in our particular circumstance. “Is this reaction connected to the here and the now?” (Contextualize)
Third, we might not be so unique in our suffering, greater compassion for ourselves and others might be helpful (“I am not alone in fearing this, others fear this too. How have other people overcome this fear? Who would I be, without this fear? Is there a payoff for me to hold onto this fear? ”) (Empathize)
Normalize, Contextualize, Empathize and be curious.
Basically, we are practicing self-induced exposure therapy. Feel the fear, and do it anyway - this is how desensitising, or overcoming our fear works. We cannot eliminate fear from our lives, but we can change the way we interact with it, to give it less power.
What small but meaningful risk can you take today?
Stay curious,
Madeleine