Stop Excessive Thinking by Side-Stepping the Story
Many people complain to me that they ‘can’t stop thinking’ or that they are chronic ‘over-thinkers’. I’ve seen people time and again in my office tie themselves into knots with the same story, or maybe two stories that contradict each other, and cause a lot of confusion. The details of a painful story are well rehearsed.
Here are a few things that might help with this self-limiting habit: First of all, we need to get out of the details…and know that our meaning-making brain is often the mind trying to categorize something that feels confusing. Tell yourself this: “I already know the details of this, and no new information is coming to me at this point”.
This information is not new, and spending too much time analyzing details keeps us stuck in our suffering. As with any great storytelling, facts tend to get exaggerated the more times we tell it. I call this the ‘barefoot in the snow’ phenomenon. The more time we tell a story, the challenges tend to inflate (“I walked 10 miles to school barefoot in the snow!”). Stop yourself from doing this. In order to stop overthinking, we need to be aware of our over-indulging in the Who, What, How’s and Why’s, and get into the feeling of it- go inward instead. How are you feeling, truly, about this? Can you sit with the feelings rather than indulging in the story for a little while?
Ask: “What is causing me to have such a strong reaction to this?” and get curious about which of your triggers this is activating (example: this is triggering my ‘fear of abandonment’ or my ‘fear of failure’). Ask: “have I ever felt this way before? What happened then?”.
One way we avoid feeling these deeper things is hooking back into the story. Our storytelling is sometimes a reaction to our aversion to our own discomfort. This is actually avoidance.
Notice the “Meaning-Making” you’re attaching to something. If your mind is churning on a story, or if the clarity is not readily available- we are probably making meaning. It’s ok, this is what our brain does naturally. It is a way of surviving. However, we often fill in ‘unknowns’ or blank spaces in the story with things that are our worst fears.
Ask yourself: "is it possible that I just don’t know? And I might never know? Can I be ok with this?” Get more comfortable with ambiguity and trust yourself that you have the skills to figure things out AS THEY BECOME MORE CLEAR, and not before. (If you struggle with ambiguity, a great resource is the book ‘Needing to Know for Sure’ by Seif and Winston)
Remember this acronym: FEAR
F - False E -Evidence A -Appearing R - Real
What we need to do is practice dropping the meaning we are attaching to this narrative. Try not to monitor all of the details, and drop deeper into your own feeling state. Notice your body as this story starts up.
Ask yourself: “What about this is so provocative?” Usually this is a feeling state. Ask yourself: “Can I meet this feeling state with a direct acceptance?” (Note: that the safeguard against the feelings (example, our Protector Self), means that we are likely to jump back into the story here- and we feel we need to the complain /indulge more)
We work really hard to make the other person/ourselves wrong. This is a defence mechanism and avoidance that can really prolong suffering. Even if they are wrong. For example: “I cannot manage my own feeling until the other person engages with me!”. Therefore, we now struggle to manage our own feelings, if the other person doesn't engage. This is giving them tremendous power over our feelings. How another person shows up for us is beyond our control, in most cases. What we need to is begin to empower ourselves first. “I need to work with this difficult feeling, with or without this person’s input”. This brings us out of ‘Victim’ and into ‘Survivor’ energy. This is a crucial first step in freeing yourself up. Come back into your ‘Self Energy’, take responsibility, and sit with the feelings, not the story.
Over-identifying with the narrative can easily begin to distort reality- this is important to notice, because we start telling the story we want to hear- if someone was hurtful or unkind, if we obsess over this- this unhelpful, unkind interaction quickly turns into “this person is mean and evil”, or reversely “I am a failure, I deserve this, I’m unlovable”. We tend to exaggerate emotional events (again, the walking barefoot in the snow phenomenon). If we add a layer of blame on top of what has happened, and each time, the story calcifies (gets harder) in our psyche, and we might end up victimising ourselves and staying stuck there.
Instead of being able to take it at face value- we create a judgement on top of what has happened to the point that we are usually no longer telling the truth, but instead, a new story that is designed to collect evidence to prove us ‘right’ is formed. These judgements may be about ourself, and/or the other. “A + B +C = therefore”. If you look at the story, Ask yourself: “what additional meaning am I layering on top of the experience?”. Pay special attention to the ‘therefore’ conclusions, as this will give you some clues about your meaning-making.
Keep going on this thread of meaning-making by asking yourself “….which means?” as you tell it, until you get to the end of the line. Example:“…and it means….that I don’t matter, …which means that I’m rejected… which means… I will never be loved, which means….I am unloveable’. At the end of the questioning lies your great subconscious fear, and meaning making driver. Often times, it is the concluding meaning that provokes this more profound discomfort, because these meanings usually summarise a deeper fear. A fear we may have been carrying for a long time, usually long before this particular ‘incident’ or event.
So, storytelling creates a feeling state of panic, where our deep fears seem confirmed. If I return to the story I’m telling myself, and my brain is focused on repeating it, I am not conscious that I am fuelling my own panic. This is how one could stay for hours, days, weeks or years in one place, held on by this mind.
The body sensation of the fear are real. Your thoughts are very powerful, and can affect your physiology. The storytelling is keeping you stuck in anxiety. This is why it is is so important to begin to question your stories, and be very honest with yourself. It is time to ‘play with’ some counter-evidence, that might have been forgotten. Some things that disprove your belief. We can also become addicted to this emotional cycle, because it is familiar. We might not even question it. Changing your relationship to your emotions, and becoming aware of your storytelling can change your life.
Embrace the FEELING, accept it, and surrender without judgement. We don’t need to argue with ourself, or to prove the feeling as right/wrong, good/bad anymore. These feelings are simply uncomfortable, and nothing more. Try exhaling into it. Say to self: “Ok, this is where I am at, today”. The idea is to create a break from the story. We take a break, we drop that agenda, and exhale into the feeling of where we are at in this moment.
Breath. Be sad. Be crushed. Label the feeling: “this is my sadness”. Invite the sadness in, without attaching meaning to the sadness. The sadness is real and valid, but the story is not usually accurate.
The story is over. It doesn’t matter anymore. Do not involve the other person in your sadness.Own it. It is yours now. You alone are responsible for processing it.
Nurture it: Ask Yourself: “In this place, what do I need?” How can I help the sadness? What does the sadness need?”. This question activates grief. Grief is also a vehicle- our psyche uses it to help us process overwhelming emotions- there is a healing component to take care of yourself, in the grief process.
What is underneath the story of what is happening? This question might follow with some more sadness, or tears- which can mean a sense of coming into our body and into our awareness- notice some distance to the story- see if the space allows you to be not quite as ‘hooked in’. Take a break, take a breath- and drop back into “what is happening again, right now?” and see if you can practice interrupting the churning storyline of the mind. You may need to do this multiple times.
Be patient. It is a skill. It is never too late to learn a new skill! Breathe, surrender, and attune to the deeper meaning. Accept the feeling. Offer self some comfort, kindness, compassion to the feeling. This is a committed discipline. Set your intention. Provide some needed gentleness. Forgive yourself, or the other, if able to (remember, forgiveness is an act, not a feeling. Forgiveness is very different from condoning, or agreeing with something, but it is needed in order to move forward. Forgiveness is a selfish act, in the best way). Good resource: Tara Brach books ‘Radical Acceptance’ or ‘Radical Compassion’
Notice with curiosity: “Wow…I am creating this story, and in this story I don’t matter!” I understand that by some evidence, I understand that what happened really hurt me, but my biggest place of the hook/pain is believing in the meaning that I am assigning to what has happened. If I can soften it, and can realise that the story is not as true as I am telling myself that it is, we can come to the conclusion that feelings are not facts. They matter, they are valid, but they are often not based on absolutes.
Recovery lies in the paradox in finding comfort in the discomfort. Hold the truth that you matter, even when you feel that you don’t. That feeling comes and goes, but the underlying truth is “I am ok with myself”.
Surrender. Feel the feeling, but pull out of the story. And remember, we all make mistakes. True growth lies in finding some greater lesson, learning, meaning, or hope within our pain, matched with a healthy dose of self compassion.
In conclusion: recognise your storytelling, get out of the details and into the feelings, take responsibility, read between the lines of the story, and look for the deeper fear there, spend some time feeling it rather than avoiding it, have compassion for yourself, forgive yourself.
Stay curious everyone!
Madeleine